Trigger Free Guidelines

This is Karline. =) I left safe on the 27th of June and have been pretty much SI free since May.  I’m still struggling with SI with food.  I have had 3 or 4 days in the last month when I desperately missed the SAFE program and the support I felt there.  I have individual sessions once a week and group sessions every other week.  I’m still doing the logs.  I’ve tried to set up a structure with my therapist where we go over logs.  The structure is really important to me.  I bought my own pink metallic dry erase board and want to start doing my own “check ins.”  The step out onto my own was hard because the responsibility to do my own check ins and care was rather overwhelming.  I opened up to my support group and shared about SAFE and asked for what I needed but I was shaking and on the verge of tears.  I guess there’s nothing wrong with the emotions that came with that…. One big decision I’ve made is that I don’t want to be labled as a “cutter” any longer.   I want to be seen as me, not a self injurer.  I’m wearing sweaters until the scars fade.  It seems to be helping me focus on just being me and not worrying about hiding scars or wondering what people think.  I also don’t want my pain to take up 100% of my brain power. Sue, if  you read this, I want to say thank you.  You helped me SO much.  You have such a wonderful combination of honesty and sympathy.  Thank you so very much.

i’ve been getting this feeling as if there is something crawly under my skin. it’s so bad that i can’t stand anything touching me right now. i saw my doctor and she is going to try an antianxiety med to see if that will help. this feeling is the same feeling i used to get before i S.I.ed. i haven’t S.I.ed for at least 3 years now but i’m very afread i might do something i will regret. i’m looking for as many ideas as i can get. i already have several things in my happy box (my s.a.f.e. tool box). i have my music, colored penciles, markers, silly puddy, playdo, pictuers to color, vacation pictuers, sweets, just things that i really injoy thats healthy not harmful. if any one has other ideas can you please share them with me. i do have problems with my knees so i can’t walk that much. so i’m kinda limited.

I have been wanting to attend S.A.F.E. for years now and it is finally going to happen!  I leave for the program next Tuesday!  I am excited because I want to learn to live without SI and have a future full of success.  I have been SI for about 20 years and I am 27 years old.  I am in school and doing very well as far as my education goes, but having surgery after surgery on injuries I have done to myself.  It has gotten to a severe, scary level.  Every time I think that SI has become my enemy, it seems like my only friend when I am having a tough time.  I want more than anything to stop, but I cannot do it outpatient.  When I heard about this program, I knew it was for me.  There is no help like it anywhere near me.  I am ready to work hard and succeed in stopping SI.  I want to know that all the work I am doing to find a job in my dream career and better my life will not be cut short or be in jeopardy.  I want to love myself and my body.  I am scared because I know it will be the hardest thing I have ever done and I will have to develop a whole new way of thinking.

Where to start, I’ve never written on this blog before. I guess what I want to say is there is Hope. I’ve struggled with different forms of Self-Injury since the time I was seven. And the freedom that I’ve found over the past nine months compares to nothing that I’ve felt before. I’m not sure… what I want to say on here. But if any of you need to talk of just a safe place for someone to listen I’m here. I have just set up a myspace for this… its a heaven for those who struggle. More of my story is on there… not all of it but some. Know that you’re loved and if I was there I with you I would give you the biggest hug. Please know that this is straight from my heart. With so much love. “Hope”

http://www.myspace.com/thereishope4freedom

I went three weeks without hurting myself and thought I was going strong. That ended. Then I went a week. That ended too. This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. I’m 20 years old. I don’t want to be dealing with this at 30, 40, 50…. Blah. I feel really weak sometimes. Not only with S.I but with everything. I get overwhelmed when I think of living my whole long life. Life is so hard. I always knew that intellectually but I never realized it. My friend’s younger brother was shot and clung to life for 17 days until finally passing away. I was there when he died. People die and bad things happen and I can’t imagine living my whole life like I do now. I don’t want to S.I. I don’t want to hate myself. I don’t want to always be going through the motions with a cloud over my head. I am a lot better than I used to be but there is something about being sad that is alluring, too. When I am healthy I recognize how much brighter and alive I am, yet the black hole still manages to suck me in. Or, rather, I suck myself back into the black hole.

Well I got into the stage and screen acting program at my school and am so excited to start my second year this fall. And terrified. I’m scared I won’t measure up. That my professors will regret the decision to let me in. I know I’m talented and worthy of being there but I only sometimes believe it.

I’m going back into counseling. It really helped last time but ended because you only get ten sessions at my university. This time it will be at my church. Hopefully they won’t be judgmental and it’s a positive experience.

i messed up 2 days ago
but i think i’m finally getting better
before i messed up i had gone 54 days
then 8
then 1
but 54 DAYS!!
anyway i hope everyone is doing well
I havnt written here in a while and yea….

stay strong!!
~d

i feel trapped doing this but i also feel safe and secure i reguarly lash out at myself for no reason other than i hate myself my anger frustration and sadness go deep ive tried escaping but ive failed i have no support my family have given me no support and despise me i am trying to break free but i fail its like im trapped in a box and its getting smaller and smaller and eventually it will crush me this is when i will end my own life im trying for this not to happen i hope it doesnt

i have a story to tell -

my life story.

everybody has a story to tell - 

their life story.

but my story is not a short story,

a novel or even a chapter book. 

my story is illustrated. my story is a picture book.

my pages used to be thin, tear and rip easily.

overtime they have thickened.

my words used to be harsh, each caption for each picture was full of hate. 

years later, they are soft and promising.

the pictures in my book were all drawn by one artist - 

you see, i am the illustrator of my story.

the pictures, they all follow the same style of expression, they all share the same color scheme and use the same brush stroke. 

my story is not a simple one -

it is full of detail. 

each picture carries its own story,

and each story has a unique illustration. 

you cannot judge my picture book by its cover.

what you see on the cover does not describe the story inside.

my picture book is not an easy read - 

the meaning behind the illustrations can be a struggle to understand.

longer than some, it took me four years to complete my picture book.

overtime, my pages may get thicker, and my words become softer,

but my illustrations can never be erased. 

everybody has a story to tell. 

mine is illustrated. mine is a picture book. 

Well its been just over 9 months since i lost my husband, and i’ve been SI for just over a year now, its been a few months, but tonight has been a bad night.. i saw a video of my husband as a child, and my god does he look like our son. The looks, to the way he walks, my son is a straight immitation of his daddy. I S.I. tonight, not once but twice, and i’m feeling like a total failure. I know its wrong, and yet i still do it..

why do i or any human take comfort or solce in pain is it because of emotions feelings or actions?ive been si for 6 months and im in a dump